Been a while...

I have been so wound up with my new job that I only just realised how long its been since ive been on here.

Job is going well. Not sure if it will be a long term thing, but its good for now. Ive been going through a bit of a phase lately where ive been kicking myself in the butt for throwing away everything I had before I moved to Sydney, but im trying so hard not to live in the past!! In order to move forward, I know I need to get over the past, but its so hard.

I have been really missing my friends from Victoria. Things have just been tough in general. I have been having the feeling that instead of living life here and now, its like im waiting for my life to start. And I know I need to start living now, but I dont know where to start...

Dont get me wrong, I feel bad sometimes complaining about me feeling crappy cos im struggling mentally... as I know that im more fortunate than a lot of other people, but im just trying to get my feelings out there.

I have a couple of days off this week, so im going to aim to spend at least 4 hours on my italian lessons. I also want to read more of my book each night, even if it is only a few pages!

Baby steps...

In the meantime, I went to a few waterfalls yesterday. And swam underneath one of them. It was amazing, so beautiful words cant describe. I took a few photos and thought I would share one. (My photos keep going to the top of my blog, not sure how to get them to the bottom...)

Most Amazing Sunrise...

This morning I started work at 7am, so had to leave home at 6.15. On my drive to work I go along the beach, and then turn off on a road which leads up a hill and has amazing views of Trinity Bay.

When I walked out the door I just knew it would be a good day. Everything was so calm and still, the sky was bright Orange and Pink and I just felt amazing!! Its crazy how much such a beautiful sunrise can make you feel so good.

I pulled over at one point and tried to get a photo, but the colors didnt come out anywhere near as bright on my phone. Therefore I had to just download a photo off the net so I can show you what it was like :)

Hope it brightens your day too!!

What a weekend!!!

What a big weekend its been. I had a huge night Friday night, which probably didnt help me with the kilos... but it was fun, and you need those every now and then! I went to... wait for it... Lawn Bowls! haha.
The bowling club down the road from my house has barefoot bowls every Friday night, so we decided to go along and meet some new people, and im so glad I did!! It was great fun, and wound up being big thanks to the cheap drinks at the bar!
Needless to say I was a little quiet yesterday. Couch and movies called my name...
But today was a sorting day... I went through all my belongings and spring cleaned. Got rid of a lot of things and organised myself. You always feel better after a good Spring clean! Its hard though, I think I sat there looking at a top for over 10 minutes, not able to decide if I would keep it or not. But its done now, and I feel much better!
Back to work tomorrow. Really loving my new job, im learning the reservations system quite quickly and making new friends. See how the next week goes!
Ive just put up a full body photo! Has taken me a while to get it up there, but now its there!! Its my reminder of what im doing and what I need to achieve.
Well im off to read a book now... Enjoy the last few hours of your weekend! :)

New Job, New life!!

Well I started the new job yesterday. I was so nervous and wound up. I coud feel the negative thoughts creeping up again, but I managed to fight them off!!
And im so glad I did. Yesterday was probably one of my most challenging times in a while. I am so used to knowing what to do, and knowing the people im around, but now im completely out of my comfort zone!! I dont know anyone, I have no idea what im doing, but the thing is im learning! And im making new friends...
So although I feel a bit awkard at the moment, it will all be worth it. And maybe its what I need to get my confidence back!
I have tried to get some photos on here but having probs. Got a new iPhone and im a bit unsure how to use it... lol. So on the weekend ill aim to get them on one way or another.

Hope everyone else is on target and doing well.

Ok, im repaired...

Im back on here again and over my little fit from last week.

I think looking back at the last week I was overtired, stressed out (money issues) and extremely scared about the change of jobs happening this week. And I just let it all become too much. Its what I do, and always have done in the past. But im through it now, and moving forward again :)

I went in to see my new employers today to pick up uniforms and meet them all, and they were so lovely. I dont know what I was so worried about. Theres a few girls my age there that I got along with well, so hopefully it will be good. I start wednesday.

My new uniforms fit, but are a little snug, so that gives me something to work towards. But I gave myself a few days off between finishing at maccas and starting at the resort, so im nice and relaxed now. I straightened my hair and had a bit of a pamper sesh which always makes me feel nice. Gives me more confident when I feel good.

So sorry if ive been absent over the last week. My ramblings are now back :) Im back in top form and ready for the big week ahead. And ill make sure I keep you updated as I go.

Thanks for bearing with me :)

Im broken, beyond repair...

So ive been missing on here for a few days. And in that short space of time ive done a complete backflip. I have officially been broken, and at the moment it feels like its beyond repair.
I knew I had to get back on here and let it all out, not sure if it will help but its worth a try.

Ive come to the realisation that I cant remember a time in my life that I was ever truly happy. Ive always had nice things, had good jobs, good friends, great family... ive moved towns, changed jobs, lost weight, gained weight, no matter what I do Ive never been content. I thought that getting this new job would make a difference. That I would feel instantly happier because for the first time since I moved to Cairns I am ahead in my budget, and starting to make progress, but instead its made me even sadder, because I know deep down that this job isnt going to be what it takes to get me out of this hole im in. It goes much deeper than a job or money.

Ive blamed other people for me being like this, ive tried changing my life, ive tried so many things but nothing works. I always feel empty. And over the last couple of days cos ive felt this way ive eaten out of control and undid a lot of my hard work from the past few weeks. Which in turn makes me feel even worse!!

Tonight its really come to a head though. I feel physically sick, I cant stop crying and I just feel completely worthless. Im at a point where I have dug myself in so deep that now I have no idea of how to get out! I want to enjoy life...

Not sure if all my rambling makes any sense, its 1am and im tired and not thinking too clearly so just writing it out how it comes into my head. Like I said, just felt like I need to get it out. Ive never really spoken to anyone honestly about feeling this way so I guess this is my starting point.

I just cant see how ive gone from feeling so positive and in control to so out of control in the space of a week...

Ill sleep on it.