Im broken, beyond repair...

So ive been missing on here for a few days. And in that short space of time ive done a complete backflip. I have officially been broken, and at the moment it feels like its beyond repair.
I knew I had to get back on here and let it all out, not sure if it will help but its worth a try.

Ive come to the realisation that I cant remember a time in my life that I was ever truly happy. Ive always had nice things, had good jobs, good friends, great family... ive moved towns, changed jobs, lost weight, gained weight, no matter what I do Ive never been content. I thought that getting this new job would make a difference. That I would feel instantly happier because for the first time since I moved to Cairns I am ahead in my budget, and starting to make progress, but instead its made me even sadder, because I know deep down that this job isnt going to be what it takes to get me out of this hole im in. It goes much deeper than a job or money.

Ive blamed other people for me being like this, ive tried changing my life, ive tried so many things but nothing works. I always feel empty. And over the last couple of days cos ive felt this way ive eaten out of control and undid a lot of my hard work from the past few weeks. Which in turn makes me feel even worse!!

Tonight its really come to a head though. I feel physically sick, I cant stop crying and I just feel completely worthless. Im at a point where I have dug myself in so deep that now I have no idea of how to get out! I want to enjoy life...

Not sure if all my rambling makes any sense, its 1am and im tired and not thinking too clearly so just writing it out how it comes into my head. Like I said, just felt like I need to get it out. Ive never really spoken to anyone honestly about feeling this way so I guess this is my starting point.

I just cant see how ive gone from feeling so positive and in control to so out of control in the space of a week...

Ill sleep on it.