Ok, so I realise now I am really only writing this blog for myself, not necesarily for others to read as I cant get on here as often as I could before. Dont get me wrong, I love hearing other opinions and feedback, but im not really particuarly good reading until its a bit more regular.
Still workin crazy hours and will be right up until October. But its good, I think I really know what im doing now. And we have channel 7 and nine filming at work this week!! So its all pretty exciting.
Got 4 days off coming up (Have to work 12 straight to get them though...) and im going up to cooktown with my cousin for a bit of a road trip so that will be fun.
Gym tomorrow with a girlfriend and then tennis. Im really enjoying playing tennis again. And I think im getting better at it as well! Much fitter, I can play for ages now without even getting tired. Considering getting training so I can play socially.
Last night was a bit emotional. I was watching motorbike racing and one of the riders was killed in an accident. It stirred up a lot of old emotions I thought I had gotten over after I saw my friend killed in a racing accident 5 years ago. So didnt sleep much last night. But its all good, spoke to some friends today and got it out of my system as much as I could.
Not long until my holidays now and im so excited!!!
Monday, September 6, 2010
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Tired...
That word is all I really have at the moment... Im working 10 hour days 6 days a week. And im exhausted!! Work is draining me completely. Its not just the hours, there has been some really emotional issues at work raised - example, an older couple on their retirement maiden voyage... just bought a van and 4wd... took off and then he had a heart attack! Had another lady break her leg white water rafting, another come up to visit friends only to have a friend pass away. Its just been one after another at the moment. So I need sleep and time off.
On a positive note, im going to the cairns cup on saturday. Me and one of the girls from work are going and it should be good, because it will not only be a chance for me to make better friends with people from work, but also something a bit more social than what im used to. So i have my dress, heels and hat all ready to go, and im really looking forward to it. I think this could be a turning point, a chance for me to get back out in public again.
Then on Sunday we are going Whale watching with work. Im so excited, ive never seen whales before!! Will keep you all posted on what its like.
I bought a travel diary so I can start keeping photos and notes and other info on trips that ive been doing.
Still hanging out for my holiday in October. I am waiting so long for it to come and it will go so quickly. But after recent developments at work, have decided to not wish the days away to get closer to my holiday but make the best of every day that I have...
Things are better with my sister but not great. We have reached a comprimise. She is staying with him and I am keeping my mouth shut and waiting for him to trip himself up... not a great outcome, but the best I could get at the moment without losing my sister :(
Well I need my sleep now. I cant believe how tired I am right now...
On a positive note, im going to the cairns cup on saturday. Me and one of the girls from work are going and it should be good, because it will not only be a chance for me to make better friends with people from work, but also something a bit more social than what im used to. So i have my dress, heels and hat all ready to go, and im really looking forward to it. I think this could be a turning point, a chance for me to get back out in public again.
Then on Sunday we are going Whale watching with work. Im so excited, ive never seen whales before!! Will keep you all posted on what its like.
I bought a travel diary so I can start keeping photos and notes and other info on trips that ive been doing.
Still hanging out for my holiday in October. I am waiting so long for it to come and it will go so quickly. But after recent developments at work, have decided to not wish the days away to get closer to my holiday but make the best of every day that I have...
Things are better with my sister but not great. We have reached a comprimise. She is staying with him and I am keeping my mouth shut and waiting for him to trip himself up... not a great outcome, but the best I could get at the moment without losing my sister :(
Well I need my sleep now. I cant believe how tired I am right now...
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Need help and advice :(
Well things for me are going great right now. Im well on track, feeling great, got loads of energy etc. I am going to chiro for my back tomorrow hopefully as its been giving me hell, but im in such a positive frame of mind that im not even letting that really bother me too much. However I have this one big problem that is now interfering badly and I need to get it sorted so that it doesnt get me off track!!!
My baby sisters are the world to me. My whole family are very close and I would do anything for them, no matter what. My sister has been dating this guy for almost a year now and he is bad news. Ive tried to be supportive and let her make her own decisions, but it is now getting out of hand. He is very quick to get angry with her if she is seen talking to other guys, yet he still reguarly sees all of his exs, hes done time, he has a child, he does drugs... he has no money, no stability and he uses my sister. She has low self confidence, I dont know why, shes beautiful, funny, caring... but i think her confidence is one of the main reasons she is with him.
But now they are talking about moving in together and stepping things up a bit. Ive stood back until now, but now im just getting extremely frustrated. Ive tried to talk to her about it but she wont listen. It got to boiling point tonight and we had a big fight about it. Now she says that I will only push her away if I dont support her. What do I do!!! Ive tried to be supportive, ive tried to drop a few hints in there, and ive flat out told her I dont like him and that she deserves better. But I just cant stand back and watch her throw her life away with him!!!
Its got me really anxious and I want to be there for her, but I can not support her on this one. I have no idea how to tackle it. I dont want to push her away all together, but how can I make her see it. All her friends and our other family agree with me, but no one knows what to do. Help!!
My baby sisters are the world to me. My whole family are very close and I would do anything for them, no matter what. My sister has been dating this guy for almost a year now and he is bad news. Ive tried to be supportive and let her make her own decisions, but it is now getting out of hand. He is very quick to get angry with her if she is seen talking to other guys, yet he still reguarly sees all of his exs, hes done time, he has a child, he does drugs... he has no money, no stability and he uses my sister. She has low self confidence, I dont know why, shes beautiful, funny, caring... but i think her confidence is one of the main reasons she is with him.
But now they are talking about moving in together and stepping things up a bit. Ive stood back until now, but now im just getting extremely frustrated. Ive tried to talk to her about it but she wont listen. It got to boiling point tonight and we had a big fight about it. Now she says that I will only push her away if I dont support her. What do I do!!! Ive tried to be supportive, ive tried to drop a few hints in there, and ive flat out told her I dont like him and that she deserves better. But I just cant stand back and watch her throw her life away with him!!!
Its got me really anxious and I want to be there for her, but I can not support her on this one. I have no idea how to tackle it. I dont want to push her away all together, but how can I make her see it. All her friends and our other family agree with me, but no one knows what to do. Help!!
Friday, July 23, 2010
Not eating enough??
I had a really busy day at work today and when I was driving home I was adding up my points in my head only to realise I had only had 8 points for the entire day! I hadnt had time to eat my snacks through the day and didnt realise how little I had eaten.
However I wasnt really hungry and didnt want to come home and eat because I had to make up points. I ate a few nuts cos they are high in points for small amounts and still good for you, also had some avocado on crackers. But thats all, and I still have so many points! Such a change from yesterday. I know its not good, and you cant save too many points, but it just seemed so stupid having to eat when I really wasnt hungry.
Ive been drinking heaps of green tea and I have a feeling thats what is supressing my hunger a little, as i never seem to be as hungry the days i drink my tea.
Work is just crazy busy right now and it will stay like this until September. Im having my holidays in October. I need a holiday so bad. I havent had once since October last year, and that was only one week. I cant wait to get away and relax.
Oh well, keep thinking about that holiday, as for now im off to bed ready for another big day tomorrow.
However I wasnt really hungry and didnt want to come home and eat because I had to make up points. I ate a few nuts cos they are high in points for small amounts and still good for you, also had some avocado on crackers. But thats all, and I still have so many points! Such a change from yesterday. I know its not good, and you cant save too many points, but it just seemed so stupid having to eat when I really wasnt hungry.
Ive been drinking heaps of green tea and I have a feeling thats what is supressing my hunger a little, as i never seem to be as hungry the days i drink my tea.
Work is just crazy busy right now and it will stay like this until September. Im having my holidays in October. I need a holiday so bad. I havent had once since October last year, and that was only one week. I cant wait to get away and relax.
Oh well, keep thinking about that holiday, as for now im off to bed ready for another big day tomorrow.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Benefits of eating well.
Today was a really difficult day for me. I was fine in the morning, but then at the last minute my friends convinced me to go to the Cairns show with them. I should have known it was a bad idea... showbags, fried hot foods, expensive rides and loads of lollies!!! But I did fine!! I had fruit just before going so I felt full, and drank plenty of water. Also got a bit of exercise in from walking around the showgrounds all day. After that we went to maccas and I got a seared chicken wrap with a black coffee while all my friends were getting large meals.
Trouble is after all of that this evening we went out for dinner. We couldnt get into the place we wanted which I knew had healthy options so we ended up at sizzler!!!! I went ok, I had a plate of salad first, then got a small bit of pasta with tomato based sauce. But I did end up eating 2 bits of pan bread, and dessert. It was still much better than what I normally would have eaten at sizzler!
The thing that made me realise how much better off I am eating well now was watching my friends through the day. One friend in particular ate half a showbag in one sitting, a large meal at maccas, and so much soft drink - and by the end of the night she had a splitting headache and kept saying how horrible she felt! I remembered back to how I would feel after eating so much sugar in one day and it was just horrible!! Whereas today I had so much energy and felt great!
So, back to work tomorrow, tonight I need to get all my food ready for my lunch and snacks :)
Trouble is after all of that this evening we went out for dinner. We couldnt get into the place we wanted which I knew had healthy options so we ended up at sizzler!!!! I went ok, I had a plate of salad first, then got a small bit of pasta with tomato based sauce. But I did end up eating 2 bits of pan bread, and dessert. It was still much better than what I normally would have eaten at sizzler!
The thing that made me realise how much better off I am eating well now was watching my friends through the day. One friend in particular ate half a showbag in one sitting, a large meal at maccas, and so much soft drink - and by the end of the night she had a splitting headache and kept saying how horrible she felt! I remembered back to how I would feel after eating so much sugar in one day and it was just horrible!! Whereas today I had so much energy and felt great!
So, back to work tomorrow, tonight I need to get all my food ready for my lunch and snacks :)
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
6 meals later....
Well today I tried eating 6 small meals rather than 3 big ones, and I love it!!!
I had oats for breakfast, yoghurt and kiwi fruit for morning tea, Chicken salad for lunch, a Banana and tuna can for afternoon tea, risotto for dinner, then strawberries with a little cream for desert. All of them were basically half portions and I felt like I was eating all day long. It used all of my points and I got all food groups in pretty much. But the great thing is I wasnt overly hungry at any stage of the day, therefore my cravings were SO much lower than normal!!
I have tomorrow off so im going to plan meals and snacks for the rest of the week to make it easier. Try to cook up some stuff to freeze again.
Ive also cut caffeine and alcohol out of my diet for a few weeks. Im drinking green tea and loads of water and my skin has already cleared up a little.
My new job is going great but its so busy! And its the type of job where I will always be learning, ill never know it all. Even the girls who have been there 10 years still get stuck on some things. Im doing about 45 or more hours a week and im just exhausted!! Its making me not really too keen to get up an exercise but im fitting it in where I can. Tomorrow morning ill go on a big walk. Ive worked out a 5km track from my house so ill do that I think.
As for now im about to fall into a heap, so off to bed!!
Hope everyone is having a great day!! :)
I had oats for breakfast, yoghurt and kiwi fruit for morning tea, Chicken salad for lunch, a Banana and tuna can for afternoon tea, risotto for dinner, then strawberries with a little cream for desert. All of them were basically half portions and I felt like I was eating all day long. It used all of my points and I got all food groups in pretty much. But the great thing is I wasnt overly hungry at any stage of the day, therefore my cravings were SO much lower than normal!!
I have tomorrow off so im going to plan meals and snacks for the rest of the week to make it easier. Try to cook up some stuff to freeze again.
Ive also cut caffeine and alcohol out of my diet for a few weeks. Im drinking green tea and loads of water and my skin has already cleared up a little.
My new job is going great but its so busy! And its the type of job where I will always be learning, ill never know it all. Even the girls who have been there 10 years still get stuck on some things. Im doing about 45 or more hours a week and im just exhausted!! Its making me not really too keen to get up an exercise but im fitting it in where I can. Tomorrow morning ill go on a big walk. Ive worked out a 5km track from my house so ill do that I think.
As for now im about to fall into a heap, so off to bed!!
Hope everyone is having a great day!! :)
Monday, July 19, 2010
Im finally back online!!!
Well, wouldnt you believe it, as soon as my motivation switched back on my laptop died!! So ive been offline since my last post but finally have it fixed now :)
The last month or so has been pretty on and off. Ive been eating a lot better and fitting in exercise when I can, but I havent been too strict. Im about to head to the supermarket after this and re stock the cupboards with lots of healthy goodies. I was writing my shooping list and was going to make a lemon meringue pie that was in one of the old simply too good to be true books - but decided that even though its low fat, that if I cook it I will end up eating the entire thing so best not make it at all.
Im struggling to find ideas for meals at work. I eat at strange hours due to my shifts and lately have been eating dinner after 9pm when I get home. Therefore im thinking of switching from 3 bigger meals to 6 smaller meals throughout the day. That way I can snack at work even when im not on a break and make sure im done eating before it gets late.
Can anyone reccomend any light meals that would be suitable when eating this way. Has to be fairly hassle free as I dont get time at work to prepare or cook anything really.
Apart from that my savings is going really well! Im on track to have my car paid off in 6 weeks!!! (One year early). Its going to be such a relief when that is out of the way. Then it will all be savings to go overseas next year. I have found a contiki tour I want to do, and the good thing with those is you can pay it off in advance. So once my car is paid, im booking it in then have a year to pay it off. That way I will definitely go!!
How is everyone else doing??
Now I better go and catch up on all of your blogs since ive been offline... Have a great day :)
The last month or so has been pretty on and off. Ive been eating a lot better and fitting in exercise when I can, but I havent been too strict. Im about to head to the supermarket after this and re stock the cupboards with lots of healthy goodies. I was writing my shooping list and was going to make a lemon meringue pie that was in one of the old simply too good to be true books - but decided that even though its low fat, that if I cook it I will end up eating the entire thing so best not make it at all.
Im struggling to find ideas for meals at work. I eat at strange hours due to my shifts and lately have been eating dinner after 9pm when I get home. Therefore im thinking of switching from 3 bigger meals to 6 smaller meals throughout the day. That way I can snack at work even when im not on a break and make sure im done eating before it gets late.
Can anyone reccomend any light meals that would be suitable when eating this way. Has to be fairly hassle free as I dont get time at work to prepare or cook anything really.
Apart from that my savings is going really well! Im on track to have my car paid off in 6 weeks!!! (One year early). Its going to be such a relief when that is out of the way. Then it will all be savings to go overseas next year. I have found a contiki tour I want to do, and the good thing with those is you can pay it off in advance. So once my car is paid, im booking it in then have a year to pay it off. That way I will definitely go!!
How is everyone else doing??
Now I better go and catch up on all of your blogs since ive been offline... Have a great day :)
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
My own worst enemy
Ive come to the realisation that I am my worst enemy...
I almost find it impossible to help myself. I stick to something short term and as soon as I start making progress I sabotage my efforts. I dont know why. Even this blog, I got off to such a great start, blogging every day or two. And as soon as I started getting somewhere, I find an excuse to be too busy to be on here.
How can I expect others to help me or stick by me, if I cant help myself.
Its giving me something to think about anyway. The problem is, how do I fix it? I want to lose weight, and I want to be happy - but what do I need to do to get there?
Tomorrow im getting my hair done. I have decided to look after myself tomorrow. Hairdressers, skin treatment etc. Kickstart my efforts again. And hopefully you will hear from me tomorrow!! :)
I almost find it impossible to help myself. I stick to something short term and as soon as I start making progress I sabotage my efforts. I dont know why. Even this blog, I got off to such a great start, blogging every day or two. And as soon as I started getting somewhere, I find an excuse to be too busy to be on here.
How can I expect others to help me or stick by me, if I cant help myself.
Its giving me something to think about anyway. The problem is, how do I fix it? I want to lose weight, and I want to be happy - but what do I need to do to get there?
Tomorrow im getting my hair done. I have decided to look after myself tomorrow. Hairdressers, skin treatment etc. Kickstart my efforts again. And hopefully you will hear from me tomorrow!! :)
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
My friend dilemma...
Time is absolutely flying right now!! I cant believe its already the middle of the year!! Its already been over a week since I went out to the reef, and man was that awesome!! We spent the day at the Frankland islands and snorkelled, walked around the island, went on a river cruise... it was so so good!! I have put a pic with this post showing the Islands from the sky, they are just amazing!!
Other than that, ive worked 10 days straight now and im exhausted!!! I work tomorrow then I get a weekend off. Not sure what the plan is for the weekend yet but I am thinking of either camping, or going to townsville to see family, either way it will be nice and relaxing.
Im getting into a much better sleeping and eating pattern now im settled into my new job, and I think thats had a big impact on my moods.
Having a bit of a friend dilemma at the moment though. Not sure how to handle it. My best friend in Cairns who I lived with last year has been seeing a guy for about 4 months. They live together, but since they have been with each other she has dropped all of her other friends and only sees us if he is away (Hes in defence). I didnt worry about it at first, as its a new relationship and I know what thats like, but its now been 4 months and I havent seen her for about 6 weeks. Before they were together I would see her almost daily. He went away yesterday on a work trip, and almost straight away she was calling me wanting to catch up! Me and my other friends are not too happy about the whole thing and feel like we are her reserve friends to entertain her when hes away. But im not sure how to approach her about it. Anyone been in a similar situation? Its not a nice feeling... :(
Hope you are all well.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
A day in the life...
So today at work I was told that tomorrow I was going to have to spend the day out on the reef with one of the tour companies I book guests through. It is an agents day to make us familiar with the tours that we offer. I get to use all the facilities, dive, snorkel... the works. The trip normally costs around $300 and I get it free!! I was so excited, and it got me thinking...
Imagine what it would be like to be a presenter on getaway, and all day every day be like that. Or someone famous jetting around the world doing interviews and taking photos... lol. Or even to work for a charity, making a difference every day in peoples lives.
If you could spend a day of your life in someone elses shoes, what would you want to do? There is so many options out there!!
Im not sure myself, but its given me something to think about.
So while im off to dream up my ideal day... ill leave you with this quote:
'Some people dream of success, while others wake up and create it'.
Imagine what it would be like to be a presenter on getaway, and all day every day be like that. Or someone famous jetting around the world doing interviews and taking photos... lol. Or even to work for a charity, making a difference every day in peoples lives.
If you could spend a day of your life in someone elses shoes, what would you want to do? There is so many options out there!!
Im not sure myself, but its given me something to think about.
So while im off to dream up my ideal day... ill leave you with this quote:
'Some people dream of success, while others wake up and create it'.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Been a while...
I have been so wound up with my new job that I only just realised how long its been since ive been on here.
Job is going well. Not sure if it will be a long term thing, but its good for now. Ive been going through a bit of a phase lately where ive been kicking myself in the butt for throwing away everything I had before I moved to Sydney, but im trying so hard not to live in the past!! In order to move forward, I know I need to get over the past, but its so hard.
I have been really missing my friends from Victoria. Things have just been tough in general. I have been having the feeling that instead of living life here and now, its like im waiting for my life to start. And I know I need to start living now, but I dont know where to start...
Dont get me wrong, I feel bad sometimes complaining about me feeling crappy cos im struggling mentally... as I know that im more fortunate than a lot of other people, but im just trying to get my feelings out there.
I have a couple of days off this week, so im going to aim to spend at least 4 hours on my italian lessons. I also want to read more of my book each night, even if it is only a few pages!
Baby steps...
In the meantime, I went to a few waterfalls yesterday. And swam underneath one of them. It was amazing, so beautiful words cant describe. I took a few photos and thought I would share one. (My photos keep going to the top of my blog, not sure how to get them to the bottom...)
Monday, May 17, 2010
Most Amazing Sunrise...
This morning I started work at 7am, so had to leave home at 6.15. On my drive to work I go along the beach, and then turn off on a road which leads up a hill and has amazing views of Trinity Bay.
When I walked out the door I just knew it would be a good day. Everything was so calm and still, the sky was bright Orange and Pink and I just felt amazing!! Its crazy how much such a beautiful sunrise can make you feel so good.
I pulled over at one point and tried to get a photo, but the colors didnt come out anywhere near as bright on my phone. Therefore I had to just download a photo off the net so I can show you what it was like :)
Hope it brightens your day too!!
Sunday, May 16, 2010
What a weekend!!!
What a big weekend its been. I had a huge night Friday night, which probably didnt help me with the kilos... but it was fun, and you need those every now and then! I went to... wait for it... Lawn Bowls! haha.
The bowling club down the road from my house has barefoot bowls every Friday night, so we decided to go along and meet some new people, and im so glad I did!! It was great fun, and wound up being big thanks to the cheap drinks at the bar!
Needless to say I was a little quiet yesterday. Couch and movies called my name...
But today was a sorting day... I went through all my belongings and spring cleaned. Got rid of a lot of things and organised myself. You always feel better after a good Spring clean! Its hard though, I think I sat there looking at a top for over 10 minutes, not able to decide if I would keep it or not. But its done now, and I feel much better!
Back to work tomorrow. Really loving my new job, im learning the reservations system quite quickly and making new friends. See how the next week goes!
Ive just put up a full body photo! Has taken me a while to get it up there, but now its there!! Its my reminder of what im doing and what I need to achieve.
Well im off to read a book now... Enjoy the last few hours of your weekend! :)
The bowling club down the road from my house has barefoot bowls every Friday night, so we decided to go along and meet some new people, and im so glad I did!! It was great fun, and wound up being big thanks to the cheap drinks at the bar!
Needless to say I was a little quiet yesterday. Couch and movies called my name...
But today was a sorting day... I went through all my belongings and spring cleaned. Got rid of a lot of things and organised myself. You always feel better after a good Spring clean! Its hard though, I think I sat there looking at a top for over 10 minutes, not able to decide if I would keep it or not. But its done now, and I feel much better!
Back to work tomorrow. Really loving my new job, im learning the reservations system quite quickly and making new friends. See how the next week goes!
Ive just put up a full body photo! Has taken me a while to get it up there, but now its there!! Its my reminder of what im doing and what I need to achieve.
Well im off to read a book now... Enjoy the last few hours of your weekend! :)
Thursday, May 13, 2010
New Job, New life!!
Well I started the new job yesterday. I was so nervous and wound up. I coud feel the negative thoughts creeping up again, but I managed to fight them off!!
And im so glad I did. Yesterday was probably one of my most challenging times in a while. I am so used to knowing what to do, and knowing the people im around, but now im completely out of my comfort zone!! I dont know anyone, I have no idea what im doing, but the thing is im learning! And im making new friends...
So although I feel a bit awkard at the moment, it will all be worth it. And maybe its what I need to get my confidence back!
I have tried to get some photos on here but having probs. Got a new iPhone and im a bit unsure how to use it... lol. So on the weekend ill aim to get them on one way or another.
Hope everyone else is on target and doing well.
And im so glad I did. Yesterday was probably one of my most challenging times in a while. I am so used to knowing what to do, and knowing the people im around, but now im completely out of my comfort zone!! I dont know anyone, I have no idea what im doing, but the thing is im learning! And im making new friends...
So although I feel a bit awkard at the moment, it will all be worth it. And maybe its what I need to get my confidence back!
I have tried to get some photos on here but having probs. Got a new iPhone and im a bit unsure how to use it... lol. So on the weekend ill aim to get them on one way or another.
Hope everyone else is on target and doing well.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Ok, im repaired...
Im back on here again and over my little fit from last week.
I think looking back at the last week I was overtired, stressed out (money issues) and extremely scared about the change of jobs happening this week. And I just let it all become too much. Its what I do, and always have done in the past. But im through it now, and moving forward again :)
I went in to see my new employers today to pick up uniforms and meet them all, and they were so lovely. I dont know what I was so worried about. Theres a few girls my age there that I got along with well, so hopefully it will be good. I start wednesday.
My new uniforms fit, but are a little snug, so that gives me something to work towards. But I gave myself a few days off between finishing at maccas and starting at the resort, so im nice and relaxed now. I straightened my hair and had a bit of a pamper sesh which always makes me feel nice. Gives me more confident when I feel good.
So sorry if ive been absent over the last week. My ramblings are now back :) Im back in top form and ready for the big week ahead. And ill make sure I keep you updated as I go.
Thanks for bearing with me :)
I think looking back at the last week I was overtired, stressed out (money issues) and extremely scared about the change of jobs happening this week. And I just let it all become too much. Its what I do, and always have done in the past. But im through it now, and moving forward again :)
I went in to see my new employers today to pick up uniforms and meet them all, and they were so lovely. I dont know what I was so worried about. Theres a few girls my age there that I got along with well, so hopefully it will be good. I start wednesday.
My new uniforms fit, but are a little snug, so that gives me something to work towards. But I gave myself a few days off between finishing at maccas and starting at the resort, so im nice and relaxed now. I straightened my hair and had a bit of a pamper sesh which always makes me feel nice. Gives me more confident when I feel good.
So sorry if ive been absent over the last week. My ramblings are now back :) Im back in top form and ready for the big week ahead. And ill make sure I keep you updated as I go.
Thanks for bearing with me :)
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Im broken, beyond repair...
So ive been missing on here for a few days. And in that short space of time ive done a complete backflip. I have officially been broken, and at the moment it feels like its beyond repair.
I knew I had to get back on here and let it all out, not sure if it will help but its worth a try.
Ive come to the realisation that I cant remember a time in my life that I was ever truly happy. Ive always had nice things, had good jobs, good friends, great family... ive moved towns, changed jobs, lost weight, gained weight, no matter what I do Ive never been content. I thought that getting this new job would make a difference. That I would feel instantly happier because for the first time since I moved to Cairns I am ahead in my budget, and starting to make progress, but instead its made me even sadder, because I know deep down that this job isnt going to be what it takes to get me out of this hole im in. It goes much deeper than a job or money.
Ive blamed other people for me being like this, ive tried changing my life, ive tried so many things but nothing works. I always feel empty. And over the last couple of days cos ive felt this way ive eaten out of control and undid a lot of my hard work from the past few weeks. Which in turn makes me feel even worse!!
Tonight its really come to a head though. I feel physically sick, I cant stop crying and I just feel completely worthless. Im at a point where I have dug myself in so deep that now I have no idea of how to get out! I want to enjoy life...
Not sure if all my rambling makes any sense, its 1am and im tired and not thinking too clearly so just writing it out how it comes into my head. Like I said, just felt like I need to get it out. Ive never really spoken to anyone honestly about feeling this way so I guess this is my starting point.
I just cant see how ive gone from feeling so positive and in control to so out of control in the space of a week...
Ill sleep on it.
I knew I had to get back on here and let it all out, not sure if it will help but its worth a try.
Ive come to the realisation that I cant remember a time in my life that I was ever truly happy. Ive always had nice things, had good jobs, good friends, great family... ive moved towns, changed jobs, lost weight, gained weight, no matter what I do Ive never been content. I thought that getting this new job would make a difference. That I would feel instantly happier because for the first time since I moved to Cairns I am ahead in my budget, and starting to make progress, but instead its made me even sadder, because I know deep down that this job isnt going to be what it takes to get me out of this hole im in. It goes much deeper than a job or money.
Ive blamed other people for me being like this, ive tried changing my life, ive tried so many things but nothing works. I always feel empty. And over the last couple of days cos ive felt this way ive eaten out of control and undid a lot of my hard work from the past few weeks. Which in turn makes me feel even worse!!
Tonight its really come to a head though. I feel physically sick, I cant stop crying and I just feel completely worthless. Im at a point where I have dug myself in so deep that now I have no idea of how to get out! I want to enjoy life...
Not sure if all my rambling makes any sense, its 1am and im tired and not thinking too clearly so just writing it out how it comes into my head. Like I said, just felt like I need to get it out. Ive never really spoken to anyone honestly about feeling this way so I guess this is my starting point.
I just cant see how ive gone from feeling so positive and in control to so out of control in the space of a week...
Ill sleep on it.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
I did it!!! I got the job!!!!
Well I got the job I interviewed for on Tuesday!!! Over 160 people applied for the job, and even with no direct experience in hotels/resorts he thought I had the best attitude!!!! :)
I know the other day I mentioned I didnt know if this is what I really wanted to do or not, but looking back I think I was just scared of the change. Learning something new and being around new and different people is quite daunting to me these days. I have had a tendancy to do that over the last few years. Sticking to doing the same things as I am too scared of the change. But after that feedback he gave me, I have a new confidence! Of course im still scared and nervous to start, but I will learn it quick enough.
So I start in 2 weeks. Had to tell my work last night but it was a good feeling. No more late night shifts or 4am starts!!
Feeling so good, I may even post a full body shot later today!! haha. (Might have to do Zumba first).
I know the other day I mentioned I didnt know if this is what I really wanted to do or not, but looking back I think I was just scared of the change. Learning something new and being around new and different people is quite daunting to me these days. I have had a tendancy to do that over the last few years. Sticking to doing the same things as I am too scared of the change. But after that feedback he gave me, I have a new confidence! Of course im still scared and nervous to start, but I will learn it quick enough.
So I start in 2 weeks. Had to tell my work last night but it was a good feeling. No more late night shifts or 4am starts!!
Feeling so good, I may even post a full body shot later today!! haha. (Might have to do Zumba first).
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Feeling Great!!
Well I got through the worst of being sick... Im still not 100% but im finally getting a bit better and even managed to do Zumba again today!!
I have been drinking that Sassy Water (I got the recipe off another blog... cant remember who exactly!!). Its awesome!! Ive been drinking at least 2 litres of it per day and have noticed a difference. Plus I actually look forward to drinking it. (For those who dont know, its 2 litres of water with Ginger, Mint leaves, Cucumber and Lemon in it).
I have started sorting through a few of my emotional issues over the past 2 days as well. Mainly being my issues with relationships etc... After speaking to my mum about it I think I know where my problems are coming from. Its still going to be a long time before I can sort it out completely but its a start.
So all is well on my end. Have been sticking to my points perfectly, and eating a lot more veg and fruit. So hopefully Friday will show some result. If not, wont matter too much as im feeling great anyway!!!
I have been drinking that Sassy Water (I got the recipe off another blog... cant remember who exactly!!). Its awesome!! Ive been drinking at least 2 litres of it per day and have noticed a difference. Plus I actually look forward to drinking it. (For those who dont know, its 2 litres of water with Ginger, Mint leaves, Cucumber and Lemon in it).
I have started sorting through a few of my emotional issues over the past 2 days as well. Mainly being my issues with relationships etc... After speaking to my mum about it I think I know where my problems are coming from. Its still going to be a long time before I can sort it out completely but its a start.
So all is well on my end. Have been sticking to my points perfectly, and eating a lot more veg and fruit. So hopefully Friday will show some result. If not, wont matter too much as im feeling great anyway!!!
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
My turn to feel blah...
Well the positive vibes couldnt possibly have kept up for 2 whole weeks straight without me having one shitty day in there...
Today is just not going well for me. My car didnt pass its roadworthy, gonna cost me another 400 dollars tomorrow to get it passed... I had a job interview but after speaking to the company dont know if thats the direction I want to go in after all... Im sick as a dog, so didnt zumba... and I tried to bake healthy ww muffins today and they came out absolutely foul!! (Should have known something suspicious was up when I was putting yoghurt in the mixture!!) Ended up 3 points over today, and now im lying in bed with a blocked nose, feeling fat and not looking forward to going back to work tomorrrow...
Haha, but the thing is, I knew if I came on here and let it all out I would feel much better and then be able to get a good nights sleep, feel better tomorrow and the sun will be shining and the birds will be singing and I will be back to my chirpy happy self :)
(Working so far)
I also think ive made a positive move in blogging on here about my bad day, rather than giving up cos it all seems too hard like my past patterns have been.
Much happier now. Off to get the vicks vapour rub, and smother myself in it to the point where my body will have no choice but to get better :)
Today is just not going well for me. My car didnt pass its roadworthy, gonna cost me another 400 dollars tomorrow to get it passed... I had a job interview but after speaking to the company dont know if thats the direction I want to go in after all... Im sick as a dog, so didnt zumba... and I tried to bake healthy ww muffins today and they came out absolutely foul!! (Should have known something suspicious was up when I was putting yoghurt in the mixture!!) Ended up 3 points over today, and now im lying in bed with a blocked nose, feeling fat and not looking forward to going back to work tomorrrow...
Haha, but the thing is, I knew if I came on here and let it all out I would feel much better and then be able to get a good nights sleep, feel better tomorrow and the sun will be shining and the birds will be singing and I will be back to my chirpy happy self :)
(Working so far)
I also think ive made a positive move in blogging on here about my bad day, rather than giving up cos it all seems too hard like my past patterns have been.
Much happier now. Off to get the vicks vapour rub, and smother myself in it to the point where my body will have no choice but to get better :)
Monday, April 26, 2010
OMG a Job Interview... !!!
Im scared, nervous and all I could think of was to come on here to write it down and let it out so I can be positive and confident come 2pm!!!
On my first post on this blog I talked about getting into a job I enjoyed, doing something fun and different. Well I got a call this morning, and I have a job interview at 2pm with a big Cairns resort!!
Im so nervous. I used to work in recruitment so im used to being on the other side of the desk doing the interviews, not being the scared little person stumbling on my words on the other side!!
Its been a long time since ive had an interview. I still remember all the right things to say and what not, its just a matter of getting it all out clearly. I dont know what to wear!!! Ohhh man.
This is a big step for me. Getting a good job is one of the things ive been putting off because I didnt have the confidence to go out there and approach companies. Now I have the confidence to approach them, but an interview is a whole other thing!
Fingers crossed xxx
On my first post on this blog I talked about getting into a job I enjoyed, doing something fun and different. Well I got a call this morning, and I have a job interview at 2pm with a big Cairns resort!!
Im so nervous. I used to work in recruitment so im used to being on the other side of the desk doing the interviews, not being the scared little person stumbling on my words on the other side!!
Its been a long time since ive had an interview. I still remember all the right things to say and what not, its just a matter of getting it all out clearly. I dont know what to wear!!! Ohhh man.
This is a big step for me. Getting a good job is one of the things ive been putting off because I didnt have the confidence to go out there and approach companies. Now I have the confidence to approach them, but an interview is a whole other thing!
Fingers crossed xxx
Sunday, April 25, 2010
I finally added some photos!
Ok, it took me a lot of convincing, but I think im finally emotionally capable of having my 'fat' photos on here.
I have spent the past 3 years sorting through all of my photos to ensure that no fat photos ever made it onto the net!! Now I have just spent the last hour looking for one of my worst...
For now I have only added some face shots, not full body. But this is mainly due to me deliberately avoiding full body shots over the years. (Pretty sad for a 23 year old). I will endeavour to take some (bites nails thinking about it!!) and get them on here month by month.
Enjoy!!
I have spent the past 3 years sorting through all of my photos to ensure that no fat photos ever made it onto the net!! Now I have just spent the last hour looking for one of my worst...
For now I have only added some face shots, not full body. But this is mainly due to me deliberately avoiding full body shots over the years. (Pretty sad for a 23 year old). I will endeavour to take some (bites nails thinking about it!!) and get them on here month by month.
Enjoy!!
Here fishy fishy...
What an awesome day!!!
Started early (5am!!!) and we headed up to Lake Tinnaroo. I had all my food packed and loads of water (normally I would be taking a slab of beer with us...)
It was fantastic! I fished for a few hours. Caught 3 fish, but unfortunately none of them were eating size :( we had our picnic by the water and then I layed on the grass and read a book! Such a relaxing fun day!!
Got home all rejuventaed and thought I would do some Zumba! I shaked and shimmied for nearly 2 hours. It is so much fun! Felt like about 30 mins and I reckon I was more exhausted afterwards than a full on session at gym, but it was still fun!
Now im off to curl up in bed and watch some dvds. Doesnt get much better than this :)
Started early (5am!!!) and we headed up to Lake Tinnaroo. I had all my food packed and loads of water (normally I would be taking a slab of beer with us...)
It was fantastic! I fished for a few hours. Caught 3 fish, but unfortunately none of them were eating size :( we had our picnic by the water and then I layed on the grass and read a book! Such a relaxing fun day!!
Got home all rejuventaed and thought I would do some Zumba! I shaked and shimmied for nearly 2 hours. It is so much fun! Felt like about 30 mins and I reckon I was more exhausted afterwards than a full on session at gym, but it was still fun!
Now im off to curl up in bed and watch some dvds. Doesnt get much better than this :)
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Testing Times...
Today was a big test for me!! I was still proud of myself for making it through a night on the town, but then today I had to get through a day long Shopping trip!!!
Normally im not one to go shopping often. I dont have the money, and I dont fit into what I would like to buy... But I was feeling so good I thought bugger it! Ill go.
And again, proud to say - made it through UNDER my points!! That included a food court lunch and dinner at Maccas!! I decided on Boost Juice and a Salad for lunch, (got all points of their nutrition brochures), then for dinner got a seared chicken burger and had it made with no cheese etc and extra lettuce and stuff and got that with a coffee rather than fries and coke! Very proud as I managed to do this while all my friends were getting chinese containers at food court and quarter pounder meals at maccas!
And to top it off, I found 3 dresses that I loved and bought!!!
So theres another test passed... wonder what tomorrow will bring?? Fishing and away from home all day again, but have an esky full of approved food for me so should be ok :)
Normally im not one to go shopping often. I dont have the money, and I dont fit into what I would like to buy... But I was feeling so good I thought bugger it! Ill go.
And again, proud to say - made it through UNDER my points!! That included a food court lunch and dinner at Maccas!! I decided on Boost Juice and a Salad for lunch, (got all points of their nutrition brochures), then for dinner got a seared chicken burger and had it made with no cheese etc and extra lettuce and stuff and got that with a coffee rather than fries and coke! Very proud as I managed to do this while all my friends were getting chinese containers at food court and quarter pounder meals at maccas!
And to top it off, I found 3 dresses that I loved and bought!!!
So theres another test passed... wonder what tomorrow will bring?? Fishing and away from home all day again, but have an esky full of approved food for me so should be ok :)
Thursday, April 22, 2010
I feel young again!!
So as you can see from my previous few posts, being overweight has stopped me from wanting to go out and have fun over the years. Firstly, because I have nothing pretty to wear, and secondly, because I usually spend the entire night looking at all the beautiful girls and feeling down that I cant look like that (yet!)
But last night I decided to head out with the girls. I borrowed a really nice dress and did my hair pretty... nice make up... the works! I planned throughout the day for my alcohol points, and I did Zumba to earn some extras! And I stuck to it! I drank my vodka and water (sounds strange but you get no hangover because you drink one water for every drink technically!!) And I walked straight past that dim sim van at 5am!!
But the best part was that I had fun, didnt feel self concious once and danced up a storm!! :)
Im only 23 and I actually felt that way last night, not like a 50 year old recluse!!!
I have one more night of work (9th night straight....) then 3 days off and we are going fishing up at Lake Tinnaroo! Hopefully ill catch a barra to have on the BBQ!!!
Happy times :)
But last night I decided to head out with the girls. I borrowed a really nice dress and did my hair pretty... nice make up... the works! I planned throughout the day for my alcohol points, and I did Zumba to earn some extras! And I stuck to it! I drank my vodka and water (sounds strange but you get no hangover because you drink one water for every drink technically!!) And I walked straight past that dim sim van at 5am!!
But the best part was that I had fun, didnt feel self concious once and danced up a storm!! :)
Im only 23 and I actually felt that way last night, not like a 50 year old recluse!!!
I have one more night of work (9th night straight....) then 3 days off and we are going fishing up at Lake Tinnaroo! Hopefully ill catch a barra to have on the BBQ!!!
Happy times :)
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Do I dare to drink???
Well its a girl from works birthday tonight and all the girls are heading into town for a big night. Im working till 11pm so wasnt going to go, but they have twisted my arm to meet them after work and go in together.
Problem is... do I drink or not?? Will be boring if I dont, but if I do I end up with alcohol points as well as most likely ending up eating badly on my way home from town... (Alcohol seems to make my head think that its ok to eat fried dim sims at 5am...
Hmmm what to do???
Problem is... do I drink or not?? Will be boring if I dont, but if I do I end up with alcohol points as well as most likely ending up eating badly on my way home from town... (Alcohol seems to make my head think that its ok to eat fried dim sims at 5am...
Hmmm what to do???
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
The Bucket List
Ok, So I know it seems a bit morbid. But the subject of a Bucket List came up today. (Things you want to do before you kick the bucket). Ive always been one to think that im only young, I have heaps of time! However when a friend of mine was killed at 23 it made me realise how little time we could all have.
Being overweight has stopped me from doing a lot of things over the years, but now that its coming off, there should be no reason I cant do all those things I want to do.
There are so many things I want to try, or things I have done I would like to do more often. Travel, Relationships, Adventure, working with a charity again, doing things for other people, donating blood etc. The list goes on.
So im going to look for a list I can attach to this blog, similar to my ticker (If anyone knows where to find one, let me know). That way I can follow up on how im going.
I dont expect to ever do all the things on my list, (buying a 4 million dollar island for myself for example)... but even if I manage to acheive some it would be awesome!
Once upon a time I set myself a challenge to do something each day that scared the crap out of me. I did that and managed to Bungy Jump, (11 times mind you...) Ride Horses, Race Go karts, Sing karaoke and many more things, but I got lost along the way.
If you were told today was your last day, what would you do?
Being overweight has stopped me from doing a lot of things over the years, but now that its coming off, there should be no reason I cant do all those things I want to do.
There are so many things I want to try, or things I have done I would like to do more often. Travel, Relationships, Adventure, working with a charity again, doing things for other people, donating blood etc. The list goes on.
So im going to look for a list I can attach to this blog, similar to my ticker (If anyone knows where to find one, let me know). That way I can follow up on how im going.
I dont expect to ever do all the things on my list, (buying a 4 million dollar island for myself for example)... but even if I manage to acheive some it would be awesome!
Once upon a time I set myself a challenge to do something each day that scared the crap out of me. I did that and managed to Bungy Jump, (11 times mind you...) Ride Horses, Race Go karts, Sing karaoke and many more things, but I got lost along the way.
If you were told today was your last day, what would you do?
Monday, April 19, 2010
My names Kayla... and im addicted to Food.
Things have been progressing really well over the past 2 days. Still sticking to my points and fitting in as much exercise as I can around my work (putting in crazy hours at the moment.) But today I hit my first hurdle. I wouldnt really call it a hurdle actually - more of a hike... up temptation mountain!!!
I usually cook meals once a week and have them in containers ready for the week. Well today I was in such a rush to get to work I forgot my dinner. Now for most people this wouldnt be too much of an issue. However I work at McDonalds!!! I was doing a 12 hour shift so i knew it wouldnt be long before I got hungry.
Tricky part is I am the manager of the McCafe. And as a manager we get free food and drinks whenever we want. Most managers love this fact, not me!!! Its hard enough to say no when I have to pay for it, let alone when its thrown in my face and shoved down my throat!!! (OK maybe not to that extent).
So about 4 hours in first tummy rumble comes. Time for some coffee!! 5 hours in, decide to make a seared chicken salad for my dinner with green tea and a fruit bag... Keeps me going for a bit. But then for the last 3 hours every time I would get a muffin out for a customer I would consider taking a small bite out of it before passing it on... I was toasting Banana bread and it smelt so good I was tempted to accidentally break it so I HAD to have it... After blending a frappe I wanted to lick the blender clean!!! Im never like that, but tonight absolutely everything sounded so good...
Pleased to say I did not give in to temptation! (This blog was actually main reason, as I knew I would have to come on here and fess up if I did give in...)
So still going great guns. Got my food packed and ready for tomorrow, and onwards and upwards from here!!
(Buttons on my size 16 work shirt do up comfortably!! Still a little snug but ALMOST there!!)
I usually cook meals once a week and have them in containers ready for the week. Well today I was in such a rush to get to work I forgot my dinner. Now for most people this wouldnt be too much of an issue. However I work at McDonalds!!! I was doing a 12 hour shift so i knew it wouldnt be long before I got hungry.
Tricky part is I am the manager of the McCafe. And as a manager we get free food and drinks whenever we want. Most managers love this fact, not me!!! Its hard enough to say no when I have to pay for it, let alone when its thrown in my face and shoved down my throat!!! (OK maybe not to that extent).
So about 4 hours in first tummy rumble comes. Time for some coffee!! 5 hours in, decide to make a seared chicken salad for my dinner with green tea and a fruit bag... Keeps me going for a bit. But then for the last 3 hours every time I would get a muffin out for a customer I would consider taking a small bite out of it before passing it on... I was toasting Banana bread and it smelt so good I was tempted to accidentally break it so I HAD to have it... After blending a frappe I wanted to lick the blender clean!!! Im never like that, but tonight absolutely everything sounded so good...
Pleased to say I did not give in to temptation! (This blog was actually main reason, as I knew I would have to come on here and fess up if I did give in...)
So still going great guns. Got my food packed and ready for tomorrow, and onwards and upwards from here!!
(Buttons on my size 16 work shirt do up comfortably!! Still a little snug but ALMOST there!!)
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Mission Possible!!
I have a Mission... My first minor goal.
I now no longer just want to drop a clothes size, I need to!! At the moment I am wearing a size 18 work top. When I started I was a size 16, so I was given 4 work shirts in that size. When that become a little cosy, I bought a bigger size (as any uniforms after original supply are at your own cost.) I only got one shirt, cos I wanted to get back into my 16.
As I work in a coffee shop my uniform cops a bit of wear and tear... Well 3 months later, after a routine of washing my 1 and only shirt 5 times a week it now has a small tear from where it is wearing thing. I am missing a button, and its faded to a gray, rather than the black it should be.
I absolutely REFUSE to buy another 18, as im only roughly 3 kilos off my 16. Could possibly get away with it now, but still just slightly snug.
So my Mission is to lose the 3 kilos, and get comfortable back into my lovely, not torn, black uniform. I figure if I lay off too much bread, drink lots of water, fit in that extra exercise and stick to the plan very strictly - it wont take long. Maximum 2 weeks.
The countdown begins :)
Emotionally I am back off the rollercoaster I was on yesterday. Very positive. I know I can achieve this, and I know how much more I will get out of my life when I get to that goal!! So nothing will stop me now.
I now no longer just want to drop a clothes size, I need to!! At the moment I am wearing a size 18 work top. When I started I was a size 16, so I was given 4 work shirts in that size. When that become a little cosy, I bought a bigger size (as any uniforms after original supply are at your own cost.) I only got one shirt, cos I wanted to get back into my 16.
As I work in a coffee shop my uniform cops a bit of wear and tear... Well 3 months later, after a routine of washing my 1 and only shirt 5 times a week it now has a small tear from where it is wearing thing. I am missing a button, and its faded to a gray, rather than the black it should be.
I absolutely REFUSE to buy another 18, as im only roughly 3 kilos off my 16. Could possibly get away with it now, but still just slightly snug.
So my Mission is to lose the 3 kilos, and get comfortable back into my lovely, not torn, black uniform. I figure if I lay off too much bread, drink lots of water, fit in that extra exercise and stick to the plan very strictly - it wont take long. Maximum 2 weeks.
The countdown begins :)
Emotionally I am back off the rollercoaster I was on yesterday. Very positive. I know I can achieve this, and I know how much more I will get out of my life when I get to that goal!! So nothing will stop me now.
Friday, April 16, 2010
The Clothing Meltdown...
So tonight I had a bit of an 'episode'. I will call it my Epic Clothing Meltdown...
As someone that has struggled with my weight over the years, I have plenty of clothes - however most are in smaller sizes from before I put on. When I was smaller I used to go out to nightclubs and pubs reguarly. I was very social and had clothes for every occasion.
As ive gotten bigger, ive refused to buy too many new clothes in bigger sizes, adament that eventually I would fit back into the smaller sizes. This has resulted in my wardrobe being filled with work clothes, gym clothes and space bags filled with my teeny tinies (as I affectionately call them). Not a lot else.
So when my friend called this morning and asked me to go out tonight for her partners birthday I thought sure, I can eat before I go, I wont be drinking, no harm can be done!! I got home from work, had a bit of a nap so I wasnt tired (I have to be up at 4am for work), then had a shower before proceeding to stand in front of my wardrobe for approximately half an hour. This ended in me bursting into tears, flopping on my bed and refusing to go out.
I had nothing that I could wear out for drinks. My nice clothes are too small, and the clothes I probably could have gotten away with I didnt feel comfortable in. And when im not comfortable, i get self concious and wouldnt enjoy myself at all.
After having my meltdown, I made the decision that this will be the last night I will ever let my weight get in the way of having a good time. I still refuse to buy clothes in the bigger size, as im close to reaching the next size down. But at least im doing something proactive by losing weight to rectify this for the future.
Ive been meditating a lot more lately and focusing on visualising and positive thinking in my meditation. I find this helps drive me towards my goals a lot.
So tomorrow im having a wardrobe cleanout. Maybe picking out my dream outfit that I can wear out for drinks once I get back to my smaller size and putting it up in my room somewhere to give me that extra motivation.
Here is to enjoying life, no longer sitting on the sidelines but jumping in headfirst!!
As someone that has struggled with my weight over the years, I have plenty of clothes - however most are in smaller sizes from before I put on. When I was smaller I used to go out to nightclubs and pubs reguarly. I was very social and had clothes for every occasion.
As ive gotten bigger, ive refused to buy too many new clothes in bigger sizes, adament that eventually I would fit back into the smaller sizes. This has resulted in my wardrobe being filled with work clothes, gym clothes and space bags filled with my teeny tinies (as I affectionately call them). Not a lot else.
So when my friend called this morning and asked me to go out tonight for her partners birthday I thought sure, I can eat before I go, I wont be drinking, no harm can be done!! I got home from work, had a bit of a nap so I wasnt tired (I have to be up at 4am for work), then had a shower before proceeding to stand in front of my wardrobe for approximately half an hour. This ended in me bursting into tears, flopping on my bed and refusing to go out.
I had nothing that I could wear out for drinks. My nice clothes are too small, and the clothes I probably could have gotten away with I didnt feel comfortable in. And when im not comfortable, i get self concious and wouldnt enjoy myself at all.
After having my meltdown, I made the decision that this will be the last night I will ever let my weight get in the way of having a good time. I still refuse to buy clothes in the bigger size, as im close to reaching the next size down. But at least im doing something proactive by losing weight to rectify this for the future.
Ive been meditating a lot more lately and focusing on visualising and positive thinking in my meditation. I find this helps drive me towards my goals a lot.
So tomorrow im having a wardrobe cleanout. Maybe picking out my dream outfit that I can wear out for drinks once I get back to my smaller size and putting it up in my room somewhere to give me that extra motivation.
Here is to enjoying life, no longer sitting on the sidelines but jumping in headfirst!!
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Confidence...
Today, the subject of tough love was brought up on another Blog. (Thanks Gae!!) And it really got me thinking. I commented on the Blog the psychological reasons why tough love is a good thing, and thought id share that here. The subject was people playing 'poor me' yet not willing to put in the hard work to get what they are after. I commented this:
The main reasons for people to have this attitude, is that as children some of us had parents that would help us a little too much. They might not have known it, but they were really causing their children to have a certain reliance on others. That if things got too hard someone else would help them or do it for them. Also, some people with very low self confidence revert back to another very big childhood action - If you get hurt or upset, your parents would give you hugs and love and attention to make you feel better. Therefore subconciously, they relate being hurt or upset, to getting those things.
Its not the persons fault, or the parents. Its a subconcious thing, and as I said for people with low self esteem, playing 'poor me' gives them what they crave. So tough love is required to break that cycle. Because to get through life you cant be reliant on everyone else to make you feel good - you should be able to feel good within yourself!
After posting that I thought about it for a bit, and how it related to my journey. Ive always been one to give advice to others, yet rarely take it myself. If I want things in life, I have to get out there and grab the bull by the horns and take it! I cant expect a fairy godmother to hear my whinging and pop up and save me.
In the past I have sometimes blamed others for my weight gains... "While living at home mum and dad made such big meals, and had all this junkfood around the house" ... "All my friends are getting takeaway all the time, its not fair, I should be able to as well" ... and on and on.. But I think im finally on a good path now.
Ive been single for a while now. Ive spent some time alone and getting to know myself. I want this for me, not for anybody else. And im going to get it!!
The main reasons for people to have this attitude, is that as children some of us had parents that would help us a little too much. They might not have known it, but they were really causing their children to have a certain reliance on others. That if things got too hard someone else would help them or do it for them. Also, some people with very low self confidence revert back to another very big childhood action - If you get hurt or upset, your parents would give you hugs and love and attention to make you feel better. Therefore subconciously, they relate being hurt or upset, to getting those things.
Its not the persons fault, or the parents. Its a subconcious thing, and as I said for people with low self esteem, playing 'poor me' gives them what they crave. So tough love is required to break that cycle. Because to get through life you cant be reliant on everyone else to make you feel good - you should be able to feel good within yourself!
After posting that I thought about it for a bit, and how it related to my journey. Ive always been one to give advice to others, yet rarely take it myself. If I want things in life, I have to get out there and grab the bull by the horns and take it! I cant expect a fairy godmother to hear my whinging and pop up and save me.
In the past I have sometimes blamed others for my weight gains... "While living at home mum and dad made such big meals, and had all this junkfood around the house" ... "All my friends are getting takeaway all the time, its not fair, I should be able to as well" ... and on and on.. But I think im finally on a good path now.
Ive been single for a while now. Ive spent some time alone and getting to know myself. I want this for me, not for anybody else. And im going to get it!!
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Family and Friends
Had a bit of an interesting conversation the other night. I guess even though I had been thinking about where my life was going for a while, this conversation was what made me get into gear and start working on it.
We had a family gathering on the weekend, and our family is extremely close. So they are always good fun. But over the last couple of years, ive been slowly withdrawing from conversations, I dont laugh as much at jokes and just dont feel like myself. And I guess its noticable. My uncle brought this to my attention and said that I just dont seem to have the drive and the spunk I used to. He said how I used to be cheeky and confident, and like being the centre of attention. I was motivated and he mentioned how no matter what I wanted, I could find a way to get it if I put in effort. Whereas now he said I seem to have given up, I dont fight for myself anymore and my confidence has completely gone.
Now I lived with this uncle for around a year when I moved to Sydney, so he knows me very well. And although I knew all of the above, its very different when you hear it from someone else.
I guess a lot of it has to do with the fact I dont really know what to fight for anymore. I used to know what I wanted and knew how to get out and get it. But when you have no idea what you want, theres nothing to fight for. I guess it also has to do with a bit of a weight battle ive had over recent years. After losing a large amount of weight, I proceeded to put it all back on, plus a bit extra which doesnt help.
So, time to put a plan in place. I have always wanted to work in tourism, therefore I have applied for several jobs within resorts. I live in one of the worlds most beautiful tourist locations - Cairns, on the Barrier Reef. So im in a great position to get into work in this field.
On top of this I am thinking about starting a course. Just a craft or hobby, a way of meeting new people and socialising a bit.
Im also eating healthy again. If im going to give my new life 100% I need to be fit and healthy and have my body working for me.
So thats my plan for now. Will let you know how it goes :)
We had a family gathering on the weekend, and our family is extremely close. So they are always good fun. But over the last couple of years, ive been slowly withdrawing from conversations, I dont laugh as much at jokes and just dont feel like myself. And I guess its noticable. My uncle brought this to my attention and said that I just dont seem to have the drive and the spunk I used to. He said how I used to be cheeky and confident, and like being the centre of attention. I was motivated and he mentioned how no matter what I wanted, I could find a way to get it if I put in effort. Whereas now he said I seem to have given up, I dont fight for myself anymore and my confidence has completely gone.
Now I lived with this uncle for around a year when I moved to Sydney, so he knows me very well. And although I knew all of the above, its very different when you hear it from someone else.
I guess a lot of it has to do with the fact I dont really know what to fight for anymore. I used to know what I wanted and knew how to get out and get it. But when you have no idea what you want, theres nothing to fight for. I guess it also has to do with a bit of a weight battle ive had over recent years. After losing a large amount of weight, I proceeded to put it all back on, plus a bit extra which doesnt help.
So, time to put a plan in place. I have always wanted to work in tourism, therefore I have applied for several jobs within resorts. I live in one of the worlds most beautiful tourist locations - Cairns, on the Barrier Reef. So im in a great position to get into work in this field.
On top of this I am thinking about starting a course. Just a craft or hobby, a way of meeting new people and socialising a bit.
Im also eating healthy again. If im going to give my new life 100% I need to be fit and healthy and have my body working for me.
So thats my plan for now. Will let you know how it goes :)
Monday, April 12, 2010
It all starts here...
I have had a few life altering events happen in the past 3 years. Things have been picked up, shifted around and thrown completely all over the place. There has been relocations, relationship break downs, financial worries and a general lack of direction just to name a few.
But I havent let it beat me. Its only now that I feel a positive change is on the way, so im going to go with it, and get the most out of whatever life brings! And hopefully this blog will help me along the way to figure out exactly what I want to be doing, and where I want to be.
My mum very nicely reminded me the other day im approaching the 25 year old mark. Age has never bothered me before, however now I keep thinking back to when I was 16 - and how I couldnt wait until I turned 18 so I could take off around the world, and have all those experiences that everyone else would talk about. 18 came and went... 20 came and went... and now time is going faster than ever and I havent achieved anything I ever dreamed of.
Dont get me wrong, I still have had acheivements and things in life I am very greatful for. However I wanted to much more from life. I was never the type to enjoy a 9 to 5 routine, I always wanted something different for myself. I could picture myself working for a travel company, or being a reporter that went to exotic locations, or being a photographer that was able to bring my world across to other people.
So here I start again. Exploring ideas of exactly what it is I want, and how to get it... and I look forward to you helping me along the way :)
Kayla xx
But I havent let it beat me. Its only now that I feel a positive change is on the way, so im going to go with it, and get the most out of whatever life brings! And hopefully this blog will help me along the way to figure out exactly what I want to be doing, and where I want to be.
My mum very nicely reminded me the other day im approaching the 25 year old mark. Age has never bothered me before, however now I keep thinking back to when I was 16 - and how I couldnt wait until I turned 18 so I could take off around the world, and have all those experiences that everyone else would talk about. 18 came and went... 20 came and went... and now time is going faster than ever and I havent achieved anything I ever dreamed of.
Dont get me wrong, I still have had acheivements and things in life I am very greatful for. However I wanted to much more from life. I was never the type to enjoy a 9 to 5 routine, I always wanted something different for myself. I could picture myself working for a travel company, or being a reporter that went to exotic locations, or being a photographer that was able to bring my world across to other people.
So here I start again. Exploring ideas of exactly what it is I want, and how to get it... and I look forward to you helping me along the way :)
Kayla xx
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